Sometimes You Gotta Say WTF?

So reality has been slapping me in the face lately. but i try and ignore it. i guess the more i try to push it away the stronger it comes at me. i dont know what to say or do right now. so i turn to write. if you know me u know thats how i deal best with my emotions. i try not to keep it bottled inside but at times i just dont want to sit with someone and hear the same ol "its ok bruna" i know its ok. anyway this is my free write. my journal. my "blog" to express what im feelin the best way possible. it usually mostly consists of questions..because i have lots, and most of the time there are no answers. i just dont get life at times. people look at the life of an 18 year old and think nothing but fun. it is fun at times. hanging out with my girlfriends, going dancing, etc. that is fun. but i dunno...schools a drag-some say when isnt it. but i remember a time when i enjoyed learning. at times i still do...hence the name NERD some people call me..but i like being intelligent. i like knowing useless facts and most of all i like introducing it to people. and then i ask myself...why try and be smart when all guys think about is a girls body. some say my body is nice. good shape. thank you? i mean thank you. gotta learn how to accept compliments. yes thank you...i appreciate people noticing that i try and work out at times and not ALWAYS eat junk food..but when will a guy be like "you got a good head on ur shoulders and i like that" when did being ambitious and determined become less important than having a nice ass or big boobs? that irritates me. and you know what else irritates me...BULLSHIT. people bullshit too much and it gets on my freakin nervesssssssssss. tell me how it is. be real with me. guys complain about how confusing and complicated girls are-and im sure we are-but fuck..guys are confusing too!! they tell you one thing then mean the other. and i know some of you are thinking "you have a guy that loves you so much and wants to be with you..why dont you jus be with him??" because its not that simple. its not that easy to take two years of lies and deceit and act like it was nothing. i know hes sorry. i know he cares about me and wants me back..but wtf..do i jus say "its ok" ..no. its not ok. its not ok that i gave my all in a relationship as i usually do and have to wait till im finally strong enough to move on to get the same back. and even if i do start crushing on other guys..they're assholes. they lead girls on and drop em. addicted to assholes? yes. why? i dont know. is it the challenge..the chase?? i hope not cuz im losin those. seriously guys..some of you dont know a good thing if it drop kicked you on ur ass. i dont know why that is. maybe cuz guys are looking for the wrong things right now..but when they look for the right ones itll be too late. i see my friends going through shit with guys and it is so easy for me to sit there and tell them how it is. blunt. raw. honest. but will i ever just listen to my own words? BRUNA HE DOESNT LIKE YOU JUST MOVE ON YOU'RE GIVING HIM TOO MUCH POWER OVER YOU AND THATS NOT WHAT YOU WANT. FUCK HIM. THERE ARE OTHER GUYS AND YOU KNOW FOR A FACT YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE PUT THROUGH BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. WHO CARES ABOUT GUYS RIGHT NOW ANYWAY. JUST GO HAVE FUN. THE RIGHT ONES ALWAYS COME WHEN YOUR NOT LOOKING. "easier said than done" i dont know what else to say. one day things will make sense..maybe they wont. either way...ill make my mistakes and learn from it. maybe then ill find answers.