Insomnia and Emotions

i don't know exactly why i'm writing this- i feel careless, restless, yet can't fall asleep. i feel like i'm in a state of limbo..i don't know where i belong or who i really am. i know what i'm accustomed to and who i want to be..but that doesn't seem enough. i'm not going to develop this blog into a chronological current event..i'm just going to type..i might not make sense..i might piss people off..i might hurt others..but right now i don't care. i don't care. who am i? who am i really? i'm a nineteen year old lebanese girl who is emotional and self conscious and has low self esteem level. i cry, i eat, i gain weight, i get jealous and paranoid. but there is one thing i know i do and i do well- love. i LOVE. i don't half ass love. i LOVE. and at this very moment i'm remembering why i hate love. because when you love you care. when you care you get attached. and then all of a sudden every little thing matters. makes a difference. i hate caring..sometimes. i cant deny that its not beneficial to care about someone or at least something..but its draining. i care about my friends. i care about their well-being. i care about their safety and their feelings. so much that i let it override my own and guess what..it kills me. it kills me slowly and painfully and i try to think that just letting it go will make it fade away but it doesn't. why do i get taken advantage of? why? because i'm there? because i listen? because you ask my opinions and i tell you the truth? half the time people don't even care because they follow whatever they wanna do..i can relate. but why do i fall short? why is it that i'm expected to be there to catch you when u fall to hold you when you cry to keep you company when you're lonely but when roles switch i cant guarantee the same outcome. thats fucked up. thats really fucked up. why is it that when i'm sitting there with you crying my eyes out when guys do me wrong, wishing for someone better to treat me the way i'm "supposed" to be treated-you sit there with me and tell me it will happen and when it does-i get penalized. by you. by the person who "wants to see me happy" yet gets so self-indulged in their own well-being that they cant spare to let me be happy. what if i self-indulged? what if i wasn't always there to pick up the pieces you left behind? what if i wasn't there to listen to the same shit over and over again? would i be a bad friend? or would i be a better friend? maybe thats where i fucked up. maybe i shouldn't let all of you depend on me..i don't know..i don't know the answers. i don't know why. i don't know any more than you know-chances are you know the most..this distance some of you are experiencing..you take it as ignorance..i take it as growth. how can someone fully grow into an independent being if there crutching on someone else. let go. you'll be ok. i make myself sound like a horrible person right now..and i'm not. i know i'm not. i care a lot about the ones i love. and i always will. but at one point or another i have to put my needs first. selfish or not- its long overdue. i don't like being taken advantage of. and it happens all too often. i find it hard to trust anybody..there was a time when i wouldn't question anything..and it all changed- i hate that. i want my pride back, i want my self assurance back, i want my stability back and i don't know how to start. i don't know where to go. i don't know what to do. and neither do you. i do hold on to the past. i need to let go- how many times do i say that before i can actually do it. i have a weak heart with a strong cover. i act like i don't give a fuck but i do. i act like bullshit doesn't faze me but it does. and who am i fronting for? you? ha. for me. its all for me. hoping that maybe one day that person i try to be will become me..but now i wonder if thats even who i really want to be..i hate going to bed angry but i still do. i hate leaving things unsettled but they usually are. i love giving advice but i cant take it. i love being honest and blunt but i cant hear it. i must say i do feel somewhat cleansed..but there are still situations i must go and handle..a start to changing who i thought i wanted to be..