Sometimes You Gotta Say WTF?

So reality has been slapping me in the face lately. but i try and ignore it. i guess the more i try to push it away the stronger it comes at me. i dont know what to say or do right now. so i turn to write. if you know me u know thats how i deal best with my emotions. i try not to keep it bottled inside but at times i just dont want to sit with someone and hear the same ol "its ok bruna" i know its ok. anyway this is my free write. my journal. my "blog" to express what im feelin the best way possible. it usually mostly consists of questions..because i have lots, and most of the time there are no answers. i just dont get life at times. people look at the life of an 18 year old and think nothing but fun. it is fun at times. hanging out with my girlfriends, going dancing, etc. that is fun. but i dunno...schools a drag-some say when isnt it. but i remember a time when i enjoyed learning. at times i still do...hence the name NERD some people call me..but i like being intelligent. i like knowing useless facts and most of all i like introducing it to people. and then i ask myself...why try and be smart when all guys think about is a girls body. some say my body is nice. good shape. thank you? i mean thank you. gotta learn how to accept compliments. yes thank you...i appreciate people noticing that i try and work out at times and not ALWAYS eat junk food..but when will a guy be like "you got a good head on ur shoulders and i like that" when did being ambitious and determined become less important than having a nice ass or big boobs? that irritates me. and you know what else irritates me...BULLSHIT. people bullshit too much and it gets on my freakin nervesssssssssss. tell me how it is. be real with me. guys complain about how confusing and complicated girls are-and im sure we are-but fuck..guys are confusing too!! they tell you one thing then mean the other. and i know some of you are thinking "you have a guy that loves you so much and wants to be with you..why dont you jus be with him??" because its not that simple. its not that easy to take two years of lies and deceit and act like it was nothing. i know hes sorry. i know he cares about me and wants me back..but wtf..do i jus say "its ok" ..no. its not ok. its not ok that i gave my all in a relationship as i usually do and have to wait till im finally strong enough to move on to get the same back. and even if i do start crushing on other guys..they're assholes. they lead girls on and drop em. addicted to assholes? yes. why? i dont know. is it the challenge..the chase?? i hope not cuz im losin those. seriously guys..some of you dont know a good thing if it drop kicked you on ur ass. i dont know why that is. maybe cuz guys are looking for the wrong things right now..but when they look for the right ones itll be too late. i see my friends going through shit with guys and it is so easy for me to sit there and tell them how it is. blunt. raw. honest. but will i ever just listen to my own words? BRUNA HE DOESNT LIKE YOU JUST MOVE ON YOU'RE GIVING HIM TOO MUCH POWER OVER YOU AND THATS NOT WHAT YOU WANT. FUCK HIM. THERE ARE OTHER GUYS AND YOU KNOW FOR A FACT YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE PUT THROUGH BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. WHO CARES ABOUT GUYS RIGHT NOW ANYWAY. JUST GO HAVE FUN. THE RIGHT ONES ALWAYS COME WHEN YOUR NOT LOOKING. "easier said than done" i dont know what else to say. one day things will make sense..maybe they wont. either way...ill make my mistakes and learn from it. maybe then ill find answers.

Babble

im back again...with my thoughts and so on...so lets see whats new with bruna?? well..ive been off of school for about two months now which i have realized is way longer than it seems...in a way i miss it but dreading it as well. my best friend gave birth to her amazing and beautiful baby girl Marilyn who i am most glad and honored to call my god daughter. Watching her become a mother has been one of the greatest experiences i can think of. Vani you amaze me more and more each day and im glad that when i choose motherhood (in a while girl relax) you will be able to help me through it step by step. but anyway...lets have a carrie bradshaw moment- when does a girl realize that the type of guy she goes for is not the right one for her? ive been single for the past almost 8 months now and it has been such a rollercoaster. going from serious relationship to serious relationship was always my thing. ive learned that there is a lot of "bruna" i need to figure out. and ive also noticed that i always go for the same type of guy (remain unidentified). so when will i learn that they're not my type?? im starting to set my standards and stick to it but its hard...i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when i should in fact have them earn that privilege. everyone says at this age the best thing is to be single and live up your youth and i definately agree..but what do i do when i miss caring for that one special person and doing everything for them? now valentines day is coming up and im going into single awareness mode. love is in the air and im not able to breathe. its a good self lesson. and i must say ive grown very independent..and i like it. i remember a close friend telling me "never settle" and he was right. why should you? i dont exactly know where im going with this im jus typin away. i gotta go to work in like an hour and half...ugh...i love starbucks and my co workers but im too lazy tonight. (random outburst) i wonder who reads this anyway...i know my close friends will. and prob my mom. (love you) which brings up another question..since when is doing a good deed mean ur up to something?! i took my mother flowers to work today jus cuz..and she automatically thinks im up to something hahaha. i promise mom..it was just out of love. well im gonna munch on somethin before i get ready and such. ill have my other outburts of babble sometime later.

Sittin Home on a Saturday Night

so its saturday night..and i'm home..chillin-by choice. i've noticed i seem to write blogs around the same time..thats interesting. anyway...i'm in the mood to write..so that is what i intend to do. lets update: still goin to school and workin. im doin either one or the other everyday of the week which leaves me NO relax time. so you can presume i'm a lil stressed. the hours at work are getting longer..schools getting a little harder...but this is all expected. school is alright so far..my teachers aren't bad..i got friends in all my classes so i don't get bored. i recently wrote an essay on a reading that was said to be "one of the hardest pieces of literature" i will ever have to read and i think i did an ok job. that made me feel good. we'll see if the teacher thought the same. work is good too. the new store isn't bad. the people are all great and i love working with everybody. beginning to learn all the regulars and their drinks so i can feel more confident. i'm jus so tired lately. my back aches. my feet hurts. haven't gone to the gym like i used to and that pisses me off. and so here i am on a saturday night where id rather be laying in my bed relaxing...

now to the good stuff..im stepping into familiar territory again and i must say its a lil scary. ive met a guy that gives me those feelings. u kno..those butterflies when you know ull see him...or hope to anyway. the one that makes me think what if and makes me forget about everyone else...spending time with this person is so amazing. time flies by way too quick. but i cant help but feel doubtful. i mean c'mon we all know i haven't had the greatest luck with guys...so how does one let down all guards and test the waters? i mean in a sense its a way of protection..but with such a shield how can i ever let anyone in? its hard. is it too soon? i don't know. ill jus have to wait and see where fate takes me with this. its a great adventure. good or bad- i wouldn't trade it for anything. so far this ride is worth every minute. it gives me hope..and it causes me to find this inner strength i didn't know i have. i like him. he makes me smile-thats all that matters to me right now.

i could go on and talk about friends and life and metaphors and all that bullshit. but im tired. i got a long work day tomorrow and its easter which means a bunch of snooty irrogant and irritable people will come in after church or their little brunches and annoy tha sheesh outta me. so in that case..i will skip my life analysis speech for another day. hope this was enjoyable. i know it always is for me.

Insomnia and Emotions

i don't know exactly why i'm writing this- i feel careless, restless, yet can't fall asleep. i feel like i'm in a state of limbo..i don't know where i belong or who i really am. i know what i'm accustomed to and who i want to be..but that doesn't seem enough. i'm not going to develop this blog into a chronological current event..i'm just going to type..i might not make sense..i might piss people off..i might hurt others..but right now i don't care. i don't care. who am i? who am i really? i'm a nineteen year old lebanese girl who is emotional and self conscious and has low self esteem level. i cry, i eat, i gain weight, i get jealous and paranoid. but there is one thing i know i do and i do well- love. i LOVE. i don't half ass love. i LOVE. and at this very moment i'm remembering why i hate love. because when you love you care. when you care you get attached. and then all of a sudden every little thing matters. makes a difference. i hate caring..sometimes. i cant deny that its not beneficial to care about someone or at least something..but its draining. i care about my friends. i care about their well-being. i care about their safety and their feelings. so much that i let it override my own and guess what..it kills me. it kills me slowly and painfully and i try to think that just letting it go will make it fade away but it doesn't. why do i get taken advantage of? why? because i'm there? because i listen? because you ask my opinions and i tell you the truth? half the time people don't even care because they follow whatever they wanna do..i can relate. but why do i fall short? why is it that i'm expected to be there to catch you when u fall to hold you when you cry to keep you company when you're lonely but when roles switch i cant guarantee the same outcome. thats fucked up. thats really fucked up. why is it that when i'm sitting there with you crying my eyes out when guys do me wrong, wishing for someone better to treat me the way i'm "supposed" to be treated-you sit there with me and tell me it will happen and when it does-i get penalized. by you. by the person who "wants to see me happy" yet gets so self-indulged in their own well-being that they cant spare to let me be happy. what if i self-indulged? what if i wasn't always there to pick up the pieces you left behind? what if i wasn't there to listen to the same shit over and over again? would i be a bad friend? or would i be a better friend? maybe thats where i fucked up. maybe i shouldn't let all of you depend on me..i don't know..i don't know the answers. i don't know why. i don't know any more than you know-chances are you know the most..this distance some of you are experiencing..you take it as ignorance..i take it as growth. how can someone fully grow into an independent being if there crutching on someone else. let go. you'll be ok. i make myself sound like a horrible person right now..and i'm not. i know i'm not. i care a lot about the ones i love. and i always will. but at one point or another i have to put my needs first. selfish or not- its long overdue. i don't like being taken advantage of. and it happens all too often. i find it hard to trust anybody..there was a time when i wouldn't question anything..and it all changed- i hate that. i want my pride back, i want my self assurance back, i want my stability back and i don't know how to start. i don't know where to go. i don't know what to do. and neither do you. i do hold on to the past. i need to let go- how many times do i say that before i can actually do it. i have a weak heart with a strong cover. i act like i don't give a fuck but i do. i act like bullshit doesn't faze me but it does. and who am i fronting for? you? ha. for me. its all for me. hoping that maybe one day that person i try to be will become me..but now i wonder if thats even who i really want to be..i hate going to bed angry but i still do. i hate leaving things unsettled but they usually are. i love giving advice but i cant take it. i love being honest and blunt but i cant hear it. i must say i do feel somewhat cleansed..but there are still situations i must go and handle..a start to changing who i thought i wanted to be..

Love Is Not Blind

People are so intriguing to observe. They tend to switch up on you sporadically at any given moment. I have come to find that as a person, you choose what you wish to see or not see. We blind ourselves from noticing what we wish to not accept or understand. This is most evident when you are in love with another. This can be identified as a romantic relationship or merely friendship, but for the sake of argument I will exemplify the idea with a boyfriend or girlfriend. When in love with a significant other, you tend to stress the positive qualities they carry, overlooking the negative. You may acknowledge the not-so-great characteristics they possess; however, there always seems to be an excuse towards it or an act of ignorance. Who could blame you? This is your special someone. Not only that, but this person signifies you as well. You associate with them, not only as a friend that keeps good company, but a love interest. This holds importance in a deeper level. Therefore, the personality and overall being of this person reflects back on you. So, why wouldn't you want to emphasize their positive traits? After all, they are considered yours as well. The dramatic change in events begins when the relationship dissolves. Some turn of interest takes place to result in dissolution of engagement with each other. The road can take one of two paths. You either end in a horrible manner to where your name and a curse word appear in every sentence visible or to a point where forgiveness and plea is a common asked courtesy. What most people don't understand is there is a middle ground; one that is not often taken because it is quite the difficult route- Total seclusion. Usually after a break up, at least one partner of the couple takes an interest to being friends, regardless of how things ended up. That's where you stop and reverse. Although I'm sure there are exceptions to this idea, friendship between former lovers immediately following a break up is not healthy. Both need space, time to breathe, and most of all time to find themselves and who they are. A common saying "love is blind" begins to take some truth. Love can be blind. It can blind you from reality. You usually ratify a lover's questionable behavior in sake of saving what you feel is most valuable- the relationship. But as time goes on and you continue on your separate path, you begin to realize that love is not blind- you are. You saw the signs. You saw what was happening in front of your face but chose to not acknowledge it. So instead, we might be able to sympathize with Rabbi Julius Gordon when he states, "Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less." This "blurb", as I'll call it is nothing of great importance. Just some thoughts on paper while I'm in my lab class. I do wish to compose a book someday relating to similar issues. For now, these are my incomplete thoughts- snippets of my theology concerning the matter of love and insight, ignorance, and isolation.